I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
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