im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
