Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
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