you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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