Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Randomize
