im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
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