FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Randomize
