Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
