I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Randomize
