hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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