I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
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