She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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