is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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