Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
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