I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Randomize
