I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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