i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
