Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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