I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I checked into jail on foursquare
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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