bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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