So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
