It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Even my vagina gasped.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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