i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
We left an ass print on the piano.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
She needs sedatives and a leash
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Can you bring me the toilet please
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Randomize
