highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
You're like the curious george of whores
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
