The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
