Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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