one word: firstdatebathroomanal
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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