I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I didn't notice because vodka
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Randomize
