Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize