i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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