if i can run in heels then i can drive
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
