I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
