My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
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