Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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