I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
