at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
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