My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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