I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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