The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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