Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
