M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
