My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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