Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
