hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Randomize
