my mouth tastes like poor choices
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
