I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
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