why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
