What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
