I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
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