Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
