Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize