he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
