I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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