Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
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