Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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