this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
