I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
